Attention (Unwanted? Wanted?)

Lately I’ve noticed an influx of attention. I don’t think others have changed, I think it’s me. And it’s not that all of a sudden I’m looking for attention. I think my being, my body, my attitude has changed. I’ve become a much more casual person. I used to be very uptight and serious, and recently I realized that sometimes I need to let my guard down, and others have noticed. I’ve gotten a lot of attention at work. It’s not really wanted, and it may get me in trouble soon, but it’s interesting. I’ve gotten a little tanner, a little more carefree and guys in particular have become a little more interested. I’ve been toying with them here and there, but nothing serious. 

 

Moving to a new area, a college campus, has really given me a new perspective. At work, I’m a little more confident, here, I’m a little more shy and timid. I don’t know how to meet people. Funny how the transfer of energy works. 

 

I spent this entire semester focusing on myself. I regarded myself as the highest place to put forth my efforts. And it worked. I did exceptionally well in my courses, took on a job that I love(most of the time), and learned a lot about my attitude towards others, my judgment, and even my hopes and desires. I ignored guys to focus on myself, but I may have jeopardized my ability to read them, understand them, and respond to them. I feel like guys only use me and I don’t want to be that girl. I spent the entire semester alone until the last week when I hooked up with a good friend. I presumed that because a guy did not want a relationship, guys were not interested in me for more than just sex. This makes me feel used, cheap, and worthless. However, I know am worth so much more than that. I never settle. But settling for just sex doesn’t seem too awful if I’m not even being offered a real chance at anything. My trust and faith in men has slowly dwindled and I’m not sure I’m come from that for a while. I’m just looking for a guy to sweep me off my feet, and I’m not too sure that exists here in DC. 

 

No one should feel bad about themselves for something like this. I will continue being level headed and strong. I may alone as level headed and strong, but that’s okay. The attention I’m receiving seems odd. It’s almost a facade, but I’ll take it. After 6 months of internal focusing and building myself up, I need someone else to appreciate me, even if it is for a superficial minute.

 

You learn so many things when you reflect. 

Feelings and Music(Again..)

Okay, I’m done being the girl that doesn’t go on a date. Ever. I keep listening to Latch by Disclosure ft. Sam Smith and it’s bringing out every emotion in me. Every last one. I keep crying, I get turned on, and every other place in between. I’m 20, and I want some young love. I want passionate, strong, ruthless love. And more, I want it now. I don’t want the heart break at 45. Yeah, I’ll be able to deal with it a little bit better, but I feel like an adult in many other aspects and I want something to look back learn from. I just want something passionate. Any takers? Haha no, but I wouldn’t mind a little adventure in my life. 

 

Maybe this summer will bring some adventure. 

The Sounds of My Heart

It doesn’t take much to evoke emotion in me. Just music. That will do it. Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of James Blake, Drake, Disclosure, Saint Raymond, and Cyril Hahn. I don’t know if I need the emotional release, but something about music just makes me feel better. I’m so used to music being the gateway I use with dance. I would dance for hours to music that allowed me to express every feeling I had, and the sounds channeled through my every movement. I think I just need an empty studio right now. Listening to music in my bed just isn’t doing it for me. I need to dance out these feelings. Do you ever feel like you need to just express everything? 

 

Mothers’ Day is coming up, along with my mother’s birthday, and I can’t take it. I have a terrible relationship with my mother. It’s awful and isn’t looking like it will get any better any time soon. Guys are also bringing me some weird feelings. I can’t tell what is going on with them. School is ending, summer is a few days away, and I can’t seem to relax. I need to dance and music will get me there.